There’s something about the turn of a new year that makes us believe we should wake up on January 1st as completely different people. Organised. Motivated. Transformed. And when that doesn’t happen, when you’re still you, with all your complexities and struggles and beautiful messiness, it can feel like you’ve already failed before the month is even properly underway.
If you’re navigating a major life transition, whether that’s new parenthood, perimenopause, discovering you’re neurodivergent, or working through trauma, this pressure to also become a brand new person can feel particularly exhausting. You’re already using so much energy just getting through each day. The thought of adding “complete personal transformation” to that list? Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to pull the quilt back over your head.
When Change Feels Overwhelming
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) offers us a different framework for thinking about growth, one that doesn’t require you to become someone else entirely. Developed by psychologist Steven Hayes in the 1980s, ACT is built on the principle of psychological flexibility: the ability to be present with your experiences, including uncomfortable ones, whilst still moving toward what matters to you.
The research behind ACT shows something fascinating: struggling against difficult thoughts and feelings often creates more suffering than the thoughts and feelings themselves. When we spend all our energy trying to eliminate anxiety, sadness, or self-doubt, we have less energy for actually living our lives. This concept, called experiential avoidance, helps explain why those “New Year, New You” promises often backfire. They’re based on the idea that you need to fix everything that’s “wrong” with you before you can move forward.
But what if nothing needs fixing? What if the way forward involves accepting where you are right now, whilst also taking small steps toward what you care about?
Values Instead of Goals
Traditional goal-setting asks: What do you want to achieve? ACT asks a different question: Who do you want to be?
This might sound like semantics, but the difference matters enormously. Goals have endpoints. You either reach them or you don’t, and then you’re left standing there wondering what comes next. Values, on the other hand, are directions you choose to move in. They’re not destinations you can tick off a list. They’re ongoing commitments to what matters to you.
Research published in the Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science demonstrates that values-based action leads to better psychological outcomes than goal-focused behaviour alone. When we connect our actions to our values, we’re more likely to sustain those actions over time, and we experience greater wellbeing even when we encounter setbacks.
Let’s say one of your values is connection. A goal might be “make three new friends this year.” A values-based approach would be “notice opportunities for genuine connection and follow the ones that feel right.” See the difference? One creates a pass/fail scenario. The other creates ongoing opportunities to live in alignment with what matters to you.
Here in Adelaide, January’s slower pace actually supports this approach. Whilst the rest of the world seems to be racing toward their goals, our city takes a breath. School holidays stretch out. Workplaces quieten down. The heat makes everything move a bit slower. You can use this time to simply notice what actually matters to you, without the pressure to immediately act on it.
The Ambivalence of Wanting Change
One of the most validating aspects of ACT is its acknowledgment that we can hold contradictory feelings simultaneously. You can want things to be different AND feel exhausted by the thought of change. You can recognise that certain patterns aren’t serving you AND also understand why you developed them in the first place. You can hope for growth AND need rest.
This is particularly true during major life transitions. Your brain is already working overtime to adapt to new circumstances. The thought of also overhauling your entire life? Of course that feels overwhelming. Of course you feel ambivalent.
That ambivalence isn’t a character flaw. It’s not evidence that you’re not “ready” for change. It’s a perfectly reasonable response to being asked to do too much at once.
ACT teaches us to notice these feelings without getting caught up in them. When you notice the thought “I should be doing more,” you can acknowledge it: “I’m having the thought that I should be doing more.” This small shift, from being fused with the thought to observing it, creates space. In that space, you can ask yourself: Is this thought helpful right now? Does acting on it move me toward what I care about, or away from it?
Self-Compassion Versus Giving Up
There’s a fear many people have about being gentle with themselves. They worry that if they stop pushing so hard, they’ll stop moving altogether. That self-compassion is just another word for giving up.
The evidence tells us something different. Dr Kristin Neff’s research on self-compassion shows that treating ourselves with kindness actually increases motivation and resilience, not decreases it. When we approach ourselves with compassion, we’re more likely to try again after setbacks, more willing to acknowledge mistakes without being crushed by them, and more capable of sustained effort over time.
Self-compassion in the ACT framework means acknowledging that struggle is part of being human, not evidence that you’re doing something wrong. It means recognising when you’re in survival mode and adjusting your expectations accordingly. If you are struggling with your mental health alongside wanting to create change you may find our other blog posts useful.
Starting Where You Are
So what does realistic growth look like when you’re already managing so much?
It starts with noticing. Not changing, not fixing. Just noticing. What do you actually care about? What brings meaning to your life? What do you want more of, and what feels like it’s taking up space you’d rather use differently?
These questions don’t demand immediate action. They’re invitations to awareness.
From there, you might ask: What’s one small thing I could do this week that aligns with what I care about? Notice how specific that is. This week, not this year. One small thing, not a complete transformation.
Maybe you value creativity, and you notice that you haven’t made anything in months. A big goal might be “take an art class.” A small, values-based action might be “keep a sketchbook by the couch and draw for five minutes when I feel like it.” One creates pressure. The other creates possibility.
If you’re in survival mode right now, your values-based action might be even smaller. Maybe it’s “notice one moment today where I felt like myself.” That’s not giving up. That’s maintaining connection to yourself during a difficult time, and that connection is what will eventually lead you forward when you’re ready.
A Gentle Starting Point
If you’d like to begin exploring your own values without the pressure of immediate change, try this: Set aside ten minutes when you won’t be interrupted. Find something to write with, even if it’s just the notes app on your phone.
Think about a moment in the past month when you felt most like yourself, when time seemed to move differently because you were genuinely engaged in what you were doing. It doesn’t need to be dramatic. Maybe it was reading a story to your child, having a real conversation with a friend, or finally organising that drawer that had been bothering you. Write down what you were doing, and then ask yourself: What does this moment tell me about what I care about? You’re not looking for grand revelations here, just small recognitions.
This simple practice of noticing when you feel aligned with yourself can begin to illuminate the values that might guide your way forward, whenever you’re ready to take that next small step.
Moving Forward, Your Way
The new year doesn’t require a new you. It just offers another chance to notice who you already are and what you already care about. To take one small step in a direction that matters to you. To be present with whatever you’re experiencing right now, whilst still leaving room for change when you’re ready.
That might not look like a dramatic transformation. It might look like finally admitting you need support and reaching out for it. It might look like choosing rest when everything in you wants to push harder. It might look like simply getting through another day, knowing that survival is sometimes the most courageous choice you can make.
Your journey is your own. It doesn’t need to match anyone else’s timeline or look like anyone else’s version of growth. All it needs to do is matter to you.
When you’re ready to explore what that might look like with professional support, we’re here. Not to tell you who you should become, but to help you discover who you already are underneath all the pressure and expectations. To support you in a gentler approach to growth.
This information is provided for educational purposes and does not constitute individual professional advice. For personalised assessment and treatment planning regarding trauma support, please consult with a qualified mental health professional. All treatment approaches mentioned are delivered in accordance with professional ethical guidelines and evidence-based practice standards.
